RIP

Everybody have their past. Experience change all in your life. It change the way you think, your point of view. It change the way you talk, react to something, even your every inch of anything change. My past was something I called nothing. My parents been too protective and blocked all my childhood moments that I suppose to have like other normal children. All I did was watching all my schoolmates playing while I hold the gate and cried inside. I grew in a situation where people change their words so fast and they don’t care about the wound inside. Every day, I wanted go outside and play with my friends, I wanted spend time with them. But, the love, over-protective, made me seat inside four walls alone. I wish things will change, they will gimme freedom and I can live like other normal child. I always wanted to play football like my friend. Join them. But then, my parents took it away, just coz they knew a guy which his life spoiled coz of playing football. Why I can’t be a lil bit different from him?? Why?? They always say when I became a lil bigger, particular age, I will let you do this, I will buy you this. But nothing happens. LIED. My live always been in disappointment. I always waited for my dad to buy something I like. Something I want. But, even to buy a shirt, I have to follow their taste. Although they knew that I don’t like it, I have to wear it. FORCED. There were days I saw my dad drunk and disappeared the whole night. There were days my mom curse my dad. There were days I listen all the gossips between my sisters and my mom. There were days I saw my dad fight with a stranger and broke his nose. There were days I tried to break my fingers. There were days I heard my dad kissed someone through phone. You don’t know how it feels when your own mom curse and disrespect your own dad. You don’t know how it feels when your dad went out at night before you sleep and when you wake up and try find your dad, you asked your mom, she said I dunno where is your dad. You all just dunno. Even when I was in primary school, I wanted to kill myself. I find my live is nothing. I even tell something in my heart every time I saw my parents, why don’t you all keep a dog and spend money for it, if you want to control me?? I am not worth it as a son. I realized there is someone inside me started to grow. I always make people laugh and there where I learned to laugh. But, since long ago, I learned to fake my feelings, to show my parents that everything is fine. Got once, when my family came for my medical check-up, in front of my dad, my sister asked me do you know why dad brought you to this expensive hospital and trying to cure you?? I said I dunno. She said later after they become old, you should look after of them. So, they doing this not coz they love me, they just wanna make sure I will take care of them. I felt like shit, hurt, pain. I was wondering, am I their biological son?? I was left in darkness wondering is there love?? Pure love?? Even my dad said that my cousin will take care of him when he becomes old. Then me?? What happen to me?? Died?? It hurts me so much and you dad, I always tried to forget and forgive you. I am sorry. I can’t. I tried.

There is something every guy will go through. At one point of your life, you will try to be like your dad. And I went through it. I started to learn how to sign like my dad. I started to comb my hair like him. I started to walk like him. But after around 2 years, I realized it just every guy will go through, so it’s normal. But before I realized, I was scared that I will be like him, I will be what I don’t want to be. There was where I started to hate him. Coz I don’t want to be him. When I entered secondary school, things got worse, I started to realize they draw a circle around me. Of course I been outside the circle, but every time I tried to come back to the circle, they will caught me. They always say my eyes will show my honesty. And every time they caught me, the circle will shrink. There was where I started to find love outside my home, girlfriend. Till now I dunno what is love. I have been with a girl for one year without touching her. I have been with a girl for one year, I gave her everything, touch, care, loyalty. I dunno what I missed. Evert time they dump me, a huge part of me die, a huge part of my dream fade, my vision of future brake into pieces. I always adapt a lot from my girlfriend. Coz I dunno my own identity. May be I don’t have one. I adapt their hobbies, the way they talk, their favorites, etc. And every time they go away, I was nothing but just a piece of crap with an empty inside. They leave a hole behind. It bleeds. Sometimes my heart shouts, but I stand there helpless looking it bleeding, suffering. I had many conflicts within myself since I was small. My high school’s friends always say I am rude, stubborn, arrogant, etc. I hide my wounds, try to stop it bleeding, so I showed anger to overcome my pain. I learn something from every girl I loved. I learnt to give space, freedom, loyalty, love, and everything whatever you can for someone you love. The recent girl I broke up, I gave everything. She lifted me up, erase my past, gimme a reason to live. But then it repeated again. Why everything meant to broken?? When I was in secondary school, a new me was born inside me. I started to hate. Lil by lil. My friends always ask me to go out and play football. And every time I answered I see first. But then, I knew the answer, I can’t come. Just to cover. Out of 365 days, I can tell I will go out with my friends about 10 days. That’s all. Other days, spent inside the four walls. They will check my beg, even when I was in high school. There was always no trust. As time pass by, I lost mine too. They smell my school shirt to check I am smoking or not. I felt like someone takes a needle and poke my heart many times. My parents always wanna be proud of me, but then they forget that life is not about proud, it’s about teaching me how to live my life. They should teach me how to overcome pain, but indeed they added my pain. I gave up on my life, I did all my dad wanted. I started to study what he wanted. For them studying overseas is a huge thing. So that, all the people will talk that my dad manage to send his son to overseas. They need something so that people will talk proud of them. Do you ever think, how much of time and everything I will miss if I go away?? I just wanna spend time with you all. But then I gave up, tired of searching love within my parents, so I went away. Collage life. I started to smoke. I did all the things they forbid me to do. The girl that I loved when I was in collage taught me that life isn’t just doing whatever comes. Although it was just a lil while, she didn’t hurt me at all. Even now, she talks to me like we used to. But then, my parents forced me, they pushed me. I get fed up and planned to go far away. I can even do the bloody course at Penang too. Before I go, I met this girl. Both of us get to know online-ly, and then I get to know that she going through the same thing like me. So, I intend to make her feel better. I settled her problem. Indeed, she was the first girl that I chatted in MSN. Even that was the time, I started to use Internet in my whole life, after my collage life. I started to love her attitude, the way she is, her perfections, her imperfections, everything. I loved her even though I dunno how she looks like. So, like I always do, I build a dream, a future. She brings out the better me out from me. She showed me the way to live. She taught me a lot. Coz of her I went through a lil moment of teenager. When I entered university, I realized that all my teen life is nothing. When I saw a 15 year old girl having msn, mobile phone, etc, I am jealous. I want that life. Why my parents don’t understand?? I spent my teen life in the four walls. My life always has been these four walls. You create a world like this to me, dad. I hate when you treat my friend as a teenager and you ignore me, can’t you see I am there. I hate when you compare me with everybody. Owh dad, you just don’t understand. You put me through this pain and you asking me “how are you??’. How can you expect me to smile when the pain inside is tearing me apart?? How you can ask me how is your studies, when you know it was your choice?? How dad, how??

When I look back my life now, I saw me crying alone in darkness. When I think about my friends, I can see the betrayal my friend put me through. When I think about girlfriend, I see only a face and her smile. Everything changed me into something I don’t know, I am cutting myself now. To know that the pain inside is more than or less than the pain on my skin. Now I have really true, nice friendship, the whole bunch of friends in my university. You all know who you are. Thank you for all you all did. From you all I realized what friendship is. You all can reduce my pain, but no one can erase it. The pain amplify when the night comes, the tears pour and I am lost in the darkness.

I was always trusted you God. But then after I tried so much, I believed so much, after I asked only one thing in this whole world, you took all away. Now, there is no more trust. You are just an imaginary. Everybody blame you for what they been through and thanked for what they have. But, things always change. And the changes were not coz of you, huh?? So, why I should trust there is God?? If there is God, if he loved me, cared about me, heard my apologies, why I am in so much of pain now?? Why I am always in pain??

Guess this is it. Dead end. For everybody, thank you so much and I am sorry. Forgive me for the mistake I done, the words that hurts you all. When you read this, please realize that there was worst life out there. And you are stronger than me to stand and fight back. Don’t let the worst of you to rule, coz you never know how it feels. If death can be bought from Satan (or whatever it is), I bought it long ago. Now I am creating my own.


p.s.: Don't regret for what you did, coz it's too late. -RIP-