RIP Michael Jackson!!!

Since small, I was obsessed with his outfit. The glove, those jacket and the details on the jacket.

p.s.: Legends are who die and make the whole world cry. And they live in those tears.

I need motivation..

It really hard to do want someone else want you to do. I really really hard. I am trying!!! But my results still the same. I need to increase my pointer. Coz it's not gonna worth anything to me if the pointer same like this. This semester, only 4 subject. No more failing!!! Hope can score. I need it. I need motivation. I need something that will make me realize that there is hope. I am sick of it. No matter how hard I tried, why always I failed?? Is it coz this is not my destiny?? Yea, I know this is not my dream. But, this is the situation. Nothing that I can do to change anything. It's already 2nd year. All I can do is just finish it. Then, hunt my dreams. But, I need to at least do well in this course.

I just dunno. Sometimes, I feel like withdraw the course and do whatever I wanna do. Sometimes, I feel like I can do it, it just another 2 years, study hard!!! But, if I always fail like this, there will be no hope and trust will be left.

Whatever it is, this semester, no fail, no C. Hope so. Pray for me people!!!

p.s.: Last night I cried thinking of you, angel!!!

Happy Buffday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To better or worst, we are apart. Temporary or permanent, we had those memories with us forever.

p.s.: I hope you are fine. You favorite color : purple. My only post in purple color.

Boredom..

Boredom killing me. I tried to chat with many people, but they don't feed my boredom. So, here I am, telling stories to feed my own boredom.

There is something common happens to me every time. I will be a good friend to anyone very quick. Anyone is actually not everybody. I keep them happy, I respect them. I dunno what I will do wrong and they will started to ignoring me. Why they can't understand that they are so precious to me?? It's not only about girlfriends, it's about friends too. Do I am annoying?? Do I talking crap till yall get hurt??

p.s.: I'm used to it. Why I'm still thinking the life is still fair??

Live like a cannon ball..

I realized something. When Prena cried, and she keep on "please, please", I realized that, I should appreciate this friendship. After the incident happen between me and my best-friend, the betrayal. My point of view about friendship was they all just friends and they can get a new friend if I go away. But, the way Prena said, I was shocked. Thanks a lot. You saved my life.

Esther, I dunno what to say. You was in my friend list in MSN. We chat like 3 times before this?? I dunno why, all of sudden, we get so close. When you asked me to join you do the online thing, I was like do I need to take this responsibility?? She gonna be disappointed if I did something to myself. Then, about the trip, I was shocked. Why this kind of offer is coming to me when I decided to end my life. Even you asked me not to do that. Thanks.

Andrew, brother from another mother. I am crying when I think about our friendship. I dunno why. Thanks for the company. Thanks for the friednship. I will make sure it last forever. I will make sure it last longer. I learnt something. I learnt the meaning of friendship.

Farouq, you gave me space to hang out, everytime I felt alone. Even I moved to hostle, I spent most night at your room. I even got your habit. May be stay with you for 1 year, you influenced me. LOL!!!

By the way, I am ok now. Thanks. I wanna feel the friendship-ness. You all made me stronger.

p.s.: Andrew words: Live like a cannon ball.

1st June

1st June.

A whole complete year I meet you. Still remember, honey?? Do you still remember?? The day where I decided your are my everything. The day I wanted to make you happy no matter what. The day I kissed you. It's even the first day I see your face after so long both of us in relationship.

I admit I hurt you a lot. But, honey, I love you a lot at the same time. After so much thing you did, I still love you. Why is that so?? Why you think about the hurt that I made, but ignore the love towards you?? I will do whatever you want me to do, please come back.

You even know I love you a lot. How can you do this to me?? I promise I will never make it happen again. Please gimme a chance. I know you gave me a lot. And every time I tried. And I failed. Don't let me like this, please. I wanna go the place we went together. To feel the love.

p.s.: You know how weak I am now.

RIP

Everybody have their past. Experience change all in your life. It change the way you think, your point of view. It change the way you talk, react to something, even your every inch of anything change. My past was something I called nothing. My parents been too protective and blocked all my childhood moments that I suppose to have like other normal children. All I did was watching all my schoolmates playing while I hold the gate and cried inside. I grew in a situation where people change their words so fast and they don’t care about the wound inside. Every day, I wanted go outside and play with my friends, I wanted spend time with them. But, the love, over-protective, made me seat inside four walls alone. I wish things will change, they will gimme freedom and I can live like other normal child. I always wanted to play football like my friend. Join them. But then, my parents took it away, just coz they knew a guy which his life spoiled coz of playing football. Why I can’t be a lil bit different from him?? Why?? They always say when I became a lil bigger, particular age, I will let you do this, I will buy you this. But nothing happens. LIED. My live always been in disappointment. I always waited for my dad to buy something I like. Something I want. But, even to buy a shirt, I have to follow their taste. Although they knew that I don’t like it, I have to wear it. FORCED. There were days I saw my dad drunk and disappeared the whole night. There were days my mom curse my dad. There were days I listen all the gossips between my sisters and my mom. There were days I saw my dad fight with a stranger and broke his nose. There were days I tried to break my fingers. There were days I heard my dad kissed someone through phone. You don’t know how it feels when your own mom curse and disrespect your own dad. You don’t know how it feels when your dad went out at night before you sleep and when you wake up and try find your dad, you asked your mom, she said I dunno where is your dad. You all just dunno. Even when I was in primary school, I wanted to kill myself. I find my live is nothing. I even tell something in my heart every time I saw my parents, why don’t you all keep a dog and spend money for it, if you want to control me?? I am not worth it as a son. I realized there is someone inside me started to grow. I always make people laugh and there where I learned to laugh. But, since long ago, I learned to fake my feelings, to show my parents that everything is fine. Got once, when my family came for my medical check-up, in front of my dad, my sister asked me do you know why dad brought you to this expensive hospital and trying to cure you?? I said I dunno. She said later after they become old, you should look after of them. So, they doing this not coz they love me, they just wanna make sure I will take care of them. I felt like shit, hurt, pain. I was wondering, am I their biological son?? I was left in darkness wondering is there love?? Pure love?? Even my dad said that my cousin will take care of him when he becomes old. Then me?? What happen to me?? Died?? It hurts me so much and you dad, I always tried to forget and forgive you. I am sorry. I can’t. I tried.

There is something every guy will go through. At one point of your life, you will try to be like your dad. And I went through it. I started to learn how to sign like my dad. I started to comb my hair like him. I started to walk like him. But after around 2 years, I realized it just every guy will go through, so it’s normal. But before I realized, I was scared that I will be like him, I will be what I don’t want to be. There was where I started to hate him. Coz I don’t want to be him. When I entered secondary school, things got worse, I started to realize they draw a circle around me. Of course I been outside the circle, but every time I tried to come back to the circle, they will caught me. They always say my eyes will show my honesty. And every time they caught me, the circle will shrink. There was where I started to find love outside my home, girlfriend. Till now I dunno what is love. I have been with a girl for one year without touching her. I have been with a girl for one year, I gave her everything, touch, care, loyalty. I dunno what I missed. Evert time they dump me, a huge part of me die, a huge part of my dream fade, my vision of future brake into pieces. I always adapt a lot from my girlfriend. Coz I dunno my own identity. May be I don’t have one. I adapt their hobbies, the way they talk, their favorites, etc. And every time they go away, I was nothing but just a piece of crap with an empty inside. They leave a hole behind. It bleeds. Sometimes my heart shouts, but I stand there helpless looking it bleeding, suffering. I had many conflicts within myself since I was small. My high school’s friends always say I am rude, stubborn, arrogant, etc. I hide my wounds, try to stop it bleeding, so I showed anger to overcome my pain. I learn something from every girl I loved. I learnt to give space, freedom, loyalty, love, and everything whatever you can for someone you love. The recent girl I broke up, I gave everything. She lifted me up, erase my past, gimme a reason to live. But then it repeated again. Why everything meant to broken?? When I was in secondary school, a new me was born inside me. I started to hate. Lil by lil. My friends always ask me to go out and play football. And every time I answered I see first. But then, I knew the answer, I can’t come. Just to cover. Out of 365 days, I can tell I will go out with my friends about 10 days. That’s all. Other days, spent inside the four walls. They will check my beg, even when I was in high school. There was always no trust. As time pass by, I lost mine too. They smell my school shirt to check I am smoking or not. I felt like someone takes a needle and poke my heart many times. My parents always wanna be proud of me, but then they forget that life is not about proud, it’s about teaching me how to live my life. They should teach me how to overcome pain, but indeed they added my pain. I gave up on my life, I did all my dad wanted. I started to study what he wanted. For them studying overseas is a huge thing. So that, all the people will talk that my dad manage to send his son to overseas. They need something so that people will talk proud of them. Do you ever think, how much of time and everything I will miss if I go away?? I just wanna spend time with you all. But then I gave up, tired of searching love within my parents, so I went away. Collage life. I started to smoke. I did all the things they forbid me to do. The girl that I loved when I was in collage taught me that life isn’t just doing whatever comes. Although it was just a lil while, she didn’t hurt me at all. Even now, she talks to me like we used to. But then, my parents forced me, they pushed me. I get fed up and planned to go far away. I can even do the bloody course at Penang too. Before I go, I met this girl. Both of us get to know online-ly, and then I get to know that she going through the same thing like me. So, I intend to make her feel better. I settled her problem. Indeed, she was the first girl that I chatted in MSN. Even that was the time, I started to use Internet in my whole life, after my collage life. I started to love her attitude, the way she is, her perfections, her imperfections, everything. I loved her even though I dunno how she looks like. So, like I always do, I build a dream, a future. She brings out the better me out from me. She showed me the way to live. She taught me a lot. Coz of her I went through a lil moment of teenager. When I entered university, I realized that all my teen life is nothing. When I saw a 15 year old girl having msn, mobile phone, etc, I am jealous. I want that life. Why my parents don’t understand?? I spent my teen life in the four walls. My life always has been these four walls. You create a world like this to me, dad. I hate when you treat my friend as a teenager and you ignore me, can’t you see I am there. I hate when you compare me with everybody. Owh dad, you just don’t understand. You put me through this pain and you asking me “how are you??’. How can you expect me to smile when the pain inside is tearing me apart?? How you can ask me how is your studies, when you know it was your choice?? How dad, how??

When I look back my life now, I saw me crying alone in darkness. When I think about my friends, I can see the betrayal my friend put me through. When I think about girlfriend, I see only a face and her smile. Everything changed me into something I don’t know, I am cutting myself now. To know that the pain inside is more than or less than the pain on my skin. Now I have really true, nice friendship, the whole bunch of friends in my university. You all know who you are. Thank you for all you all did. From you all I realized what friendship is. You all can reduce my pain, but no one can erase it. The pain amplify when the night comes, the tears pour and I am lost in the darkness.

I was always trusted you God. But then after I tried so much, I believed so much, after I asked only one thing in this whole world, you took all away. Now, there is no more trust. You are just an imaginary. Everybody blame you for what they been through and thanked for what they have. But, things always change. And the changes were not coz of you, huh?? So, why I should trust there is God?? If there is God, if he loved me, cared about me, heard my apologies, why I am in so much of pain now?? Why I am always in pain??

Guess this is it. Dead end. For everybody, thank you so much and I am sorry. Forgive me for the mistake I done, the words that hurts you all. When you read this, please realize that there was worst life out there. And you are stronger than me to stand and fight back. Don’t let the worst of you to rule, coz you never know how it feels. If death can be bought from Satan (or whatever it is), I bought it long ago. Now I am creating my own.


p.s.: Don't regret for what you did, coz it's too late. -RIP-

Thanks...

Although you didn't come direct, I saw you in the car. I saw your face. I still remember the moment. I saw what I want. I dunno how I can say this. You still look cute like last time. Even you make my heart bleed, you thrust deep inside my heart, I still care about you. My heart is full of love. Good bye.

p.s.: Thanks a lot.

Hunger of love...

I realized something today. Lemme tell the whole story. Today was something new for me. When to Farouq place around 1.30 a.m. Then, as planned long ago me and my friend to go Penang at 3.30~4.00 a.m. Planned to sleep, but then the darkness did it usual stuff. I realized how much deep I love her. Sitting at the balcony alone in darkness with a nice windy air, I realized that live not gonna be as beautiful as those days anymore. Then, we leaved at 5.00 a.m. Actually we dont really know the way. Andrew the bastard, keep on asking me as though I am from KL. Then, somehow we found it and reached Penang around 10.30 a.m. Then go to the motel and check-in. All of sudden, they all wanna sleep. I was like you all come all the way to Penang to sleep. I am so touched. Then, somehow, they all bath and wanna go eat. Then go eat at Penang Road. Then, somehow, I give direction to a place that I never been and we reached. Phew!!! After that, Andrew fetch me to jetty. Take ferry and then bus, reached home.

I realized that I should never ever be happy. Coz I nearly cried at ferry. When the wind blows, it brings back the memories. Tomorrow I wanna meet her. All the tiny tiny hopes few months ago, now amplified and I know nothing else gonna happen, but I will control my heart if I can do that. Hunger of her love. My heart is starving. Now it's getting worst and worst. Those memories, those calls I made in my room, those conversion on the bed, now seems like really close to me. I miss those moment.

I dunno why nowadays got many girls trying to be my friend. Before I blog, someone miss called me. Then I sms and ask who is this. Then they started to talk like I care who is that. Cant you all see?? I am nothing else, just a rubbish in this world. I am damaged. Why you all wanna have a friend like me?? Leave me alone. I love the pain more than anyone. Let the pain cuddle me, pamper me.

p.s.: I wish I can make it. I wish I can meet you. I will let you know.

Is there any??

I still miss you. You still here. Messing with my stuffs, throwing away my pillow, disturbing my sleep in middle of night. When I sleep, you are there. When I close my eyes for peace, you are there. When I wanna give up, you are there. When I need you, your words are there. When I need your kiss, the kisses seems to be alive back. When I need your hug, your arms seems to be around me. When I am worried, your fingers seems touching my hair. But then, is there love?? I mean not my stupid imagination, is there any small piece??

The day is coming, I am happy yet there are massive pain inside is killing me. You gonna disappear from my life. I dunno whether it's forever or just temporary. And the worst painful part is I cant do anything to avoid it. Is there any way?? Is there any hope?? Will you hug me when I come and meet you?? Will you shout at me and insult me in front everybody?? Why I intend to live in fake world which I create for nothing?? Do you still care about me??

p.s.: a step I put towards the white light.

Sejati

p.s.: Scars.

Please click on it...

To anyone who have DBH account, please click and vote. Thank you.

http://www.designbyhumans.com/vote/detail/54566

It repeat again..

Is this why you invite me?? To talk like that?? I thought you knew about me. Well, you even said you read my horoscope and said I cant forget what people said to me. I hate people with their friends seat together talk about what I did. If it was stupid, let it be. I mention it clearly, it's not about her attention. At least I tried to kill my pain, even though I did stupid stuff. Look at yourself. You are just hiding it, by saying you killed the monster and blah blah blah. Continue your bullshit. Can't you see?? You are still in the hole.

p.s.: Why the fuck it happens to be you to said that??

Starting..

I dunno why I did this. I was smoking, then I came back to my room and start cutting myself. Pain everywhere. I am not trying to get her attention. It just I wanna kill the pain. I have exam tomorrow morning. I am not prepared at all. I fed up with my life. I did it last week, now I am doing it again, guess I am addicted.



p.s.: This is just the starting, dont ask me the ending. I need a new penknife.

Song(Indian Mode)

p.s.: I dunno why!!!

Memories!!!

I lost the thing that I love to do. Sleep. Destroyed. I lost the thing I love most. You. We usually call around this time. I still remember you said "I wanna hear your sleepy voice, cute ler". I even got shout once "I wanna sleep". Got once, we had misunderstanding and you called me when I was sleeping. I didn't realize it. And you keep on calling till I woke up and answer your call. After that I saw got 30+ missed calls. Got once when you was at India, I called early morning, and this time you shout, "I wanna sleep". Although I dont like people yell at me, but that was cute. After that, I called again few days after, you was damn into sleep and you answered me "ehm" for all I said. I said I love you also you "ehm". Swt. I smiled all the way till fall asleep. With that memories, now I will go sleep. Good night. But then, now I feel like wanna call you. I so miss your voice. So long I never heard the word "boo" and I say "honey baby". I just realized. I know you gonna hate me more after you read this. I am sorry.

p.s.: My love still look beautiful even though you throw it away and step on it. I dunno why.

Nothing...

I dunno what to say. So fast, I have been replaced?? It's funny how things work huh?? I am not jealous. I would not disturb you or threaten you. Come on, it's your life, you have rights to do anything you want. Who am I?? If this is what you want, what can I do?? Go on.

I have 2 weeks plus. I wanna go everywhere we have been. May be it will make me happy. Thanks to gimme chance to fight back. May be you learn something from that. I thought I made you stronger. But then, you are still the same. Afraid to face the reality. My only request, please dont end up like me.May be now you will reply "no" or "never". Things change as time past by like your love. You seems happy. Why I wanna destroy that?? I wish I can give up on you, move on, but I cant. I just cant. This love is like a leech. It sticks on my heart and sucking my life out. I dunno when it's gonna stop sucking. Guess when there is nothing left. I am sick of this. Figuring out what I should do now. I am lost. Totally lost!!!

I hate when the night falls. When the darkness come and mess my feelings. Go away. I dont want to sleep. I dont want to dream. Go away!!! Please. Although my fear was darkness, I love darkness. Most of time I will in my dark room alone. But now, I am scared of it. Coz last time you was the light in the dark. Look what you did to me?? I am not blaming. Just look. Keep aside your anger, it's not gonna protect you forever. Just look!!!

Now, I dont have the rights to say "I miss you" anymore. Coz I know how a guy feels when his girlfriend's ex disturbing her. Coz he used to do that when she was mine. Now, she knows where to poke to hurt me. Guess I revealed my weakness to her. I want you to know this, I tried as much as I can and nothing changed. I dont want you to say that I did not try hard. I encouraged you to keep in touch with your friends. I used to hack your Friendster profile and comment on your friend's profile. I just wanted you to spend your time with them. I just want you to continue live like how you lived before I was there. I even settled misunderstanding between you and your friend. And look now, all of them againsting me. I dunno why. I just dunno.

p.s.: I know you hate this. But, I dunno why there always no option in my life.

Stupid e-mail...

I realized something when I read an e-mail. From the e-mail, the conclusion is when there is peace, there will be faith. When there is faith, there will be love. When there is love, there will be hope.

Look how nicely they linked each other. Where is my peace?? Why you destroy it and tell me it's for both of us goodness?? Actually, it's for you. You are the selfish. You want the best for you. You want more and you asked. Pity, that was all I have. I did all I can. You became greedy and destroy all I had.

p.s.: The word "nicely", reminds me of her. She usually used that. "nicely squeezing", "I wanna whack you nicely". Hahaha.

Tempting!!!

There are not much of photos in this video clip. So, click this url, coz they dont let embedding. Before that, if the video above already weaken your heart, I advise you dont watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBmoYHXrgyE&feature=related

p.s.: Imagine the pain is so deep, so you have to inflict pain on yourself to make the pain go away.
Trust me, it is so tempting.

It's a trap!!!

At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I don't have any goal.

2. Pain better than happiness. No fake hopes.

3. I don't hide anything.I tell whatever it is right in front of your face. That is what loyalty means to me.

4. I don't like people yell at me.

5. I am a massive failure in man-kind.

6. I hate everything in this world. Everything.

7. I make jokes to cover the pain beneath my skin.

8. I am lonely soul. Ignored. Hated. Pushed away. Threw away.

9. I like to draw. I suck in coloring. I prefer black and white. But, doesn't means that I hate colors.

10. Experiences do change how a person think and act.

11. I put a special person on top of everything in my life. It's a special place in my life for you. Only foe you. I put trust, hope, and everything on you.

12. Every worst part of you was me.

13. I hate engineering since I was small. But, you see, now I am doing it, I am studying it and it's my future. I am living in my own hate now.

14. Nothing gonna be okay till our last breath. Life will suck out all the things we have. Till we give up.

15. Life never will be fair at all to anyone.

16. I suck all the time. Everything I touch, everything I think, everything I wish will fall down and break to pieces.

17. I drink, I smoke then I cry.

18. I like talking alone, imagine, make my own world and live in that world.

19. I sleep hugging my wife.

20. I have a senseless brain and stubborn as an idiot immature jerk.

21. I cant think properly.

22. I got double-XL memory, I cant forgive and forget easily. I live in regret.

23. Undone dream - tattoo, graphic designer, tattoo shop, keep wife happy, wake up with her.

24. I gonna die in 1 month+ time.

25. Your turn.

Well, this is basically the same in facebook. I would not tag anyone. Whoever read this or enter my blog, you are tagged!!! Let's see how honest you are. You wanna hide, I dont give a shit about it and dont be my friend anymore. Just FUCK OFF!!!

p.s.: I know who will ignore and hide it. Even if I ask, the person will lie.