My life is about to be messed up again.

p.s.: I just wanted to be happy. Is that too much??

Life, why did you choose me??

Funny isnt it?? Life changed, I somehow manage to accept it. But now, the changes is in my home and I cant feel my home is safe like I used to feel. Changes are really hard to accept. I never thought things in my home will change. This is not how my home used to smell, this is not how things were before. They changed everything here and they have rights to do so. Now, I try to accept how the furniture in my room are arranged, but I cant. I even don't like when my mom try to clean up my study table. Coz I'm not the type of person that could go on with changes easily. I love things to be at the place its used to be. Coz I'm used to adjust with it and lived. All I wanted is things to be like it was. But now, it's too late. Whats the point of being at the place I cant recognize anymore.

What should I do when home doesn't feel like home anymore?? There is no chance my family will understand this. My mom don't even thought about how I will feel when she ask something. I don't know why, the question never came across her mind. Every time I come back home for break, she will ask me when I'm going back on the same day I reached my home. Coz she never thought how I will feel. All she wants is answer. All everybody wants is answer, but never ever thought about how its gonna make one feels. She always asking me question. At first I yelled at her, now I gave up, I'm gonna ignore. No point telling to her don't do this and that when all my words to try make her understand how I feel is never gonna make her understand.

I'm typing this in Notepad, coz I cant online at home. No internet. And no one to talk about this. Look what is home means to me. Since I know, this four walls have been my home.

p.s.: Life, why did you choose me??

Home.

Home doesnt feel like home nowadays. Things change rite, but what if the changes is in your home, the place where you feel safe??

p.s.: Cant wait to get the hell out of here. =(

Fucking freaking boring holidays!!

It's semester break. Even tho, it's the 1st week, it's already fucking freaking boring!!! I dont feel like going back to Penang. But there is something I need to do over there. So I'm going back on weekends. And might be coming back around 27th.

Well, I manage to register subject according to the course structure. Something I wanted. So, kinda feeling happy. And last sem finals was like okay okay only. Hoping to pass all. I really wanna pass all!!

And there is something going on. Lil tiny happy stuffs. I dont want to write about it now. Coz I usually post something and being happy all. Then everything will fall apart right in front of me. So, this time, let it be slow and steady.

So, as conclusion, everything is great. Just I need something to fill up my time during sem break. And as everybody knows, my days starts around 5 pm everyday. So, I dunno whats there for me around that time.

p.s.: Its starts with a "A" and ends with a "A". =)

Alone.

Everytime I feel like it's over, actually it's not!! Fuck!! Why am I in this deep shit?? I really should stop reading her blog. Everytime there's a new pictures of her, it's just keep on reminding me how cute she is. Damn!! Am I gonna love her forever?? Am I gonna be like this forever?? Fuck this life.

p.s.: You born alone, you suffer alone, you die alone.

=)

There's a good news!! Recently, I don't feel anything at all. I mean before sleep. Every night is like a normal night. I don't day dreaming that much anymore. For the first time in this few months, I'm tasting the peaceful night.

p.s.: Funny thing about girls, yall will hate the guy that treat you right and yall will suffer and sacrifice for some guys that yall didn't even mean anything to them.

Start over??

Okay, let's start over. Everything. Just leave the education part alone. Don't think about that.

Girlfriend?? Yea, I need one. I need some one to love. Some one to care about. Something to hold me and gimme confidence. Some one to heal the scars. Some one to hold my hand and walk with me in this life. Something to believe in. Yea, I need one so badly. And I know, love is pain. The pain is so bad, so sharp, I been through it. I know I can't be trusting other girl anymore. But...... It's just, the pain of some girls did can only be cured by another girl. So, I need to try. I dunno how many shots I gonna give or I have. So, I just hoping, please, please, where the fucking hell are you baby??!! I'm gonna find another one. Fuck the pain, fuck all those fear in me, I'm gonna open my heart again. I'm gonna do with my old way. Choosy. That's the only way that satisfy me. FULLY!! =)

Friends?? Well, the most beautiful thing ever happened in my life. Nothing less. I have more and more from them. I just love every moment with them. It's like a tattoo in my life. Never gonna disappear. =)

p.s.: Fuck sadness, fuck emo-ness, there's only one life for me and I wanna live every moment of it. Hopefully, it's not too much to ask.

Fucked up life!!!

Everywhere I turn, I see DEAD END!!!

p.s: Can I bring my birthday earlier a bit?? Coz I can't wait for my tattoo!!!!

What to do??

Now I have time to spend, but no one to share. What to do....

p.s.: Why nowadays, all the girls in FB looks ugly to me??

NOT a EMO-ish post!!!

Well, first of all, not gonna be an emo-ish post. Just feels like wanna blog.

Let's see what's new. Done with mid-term, 4 assignments to be submit, due date kinda like 2-3 weeks from now, lab report, and then, have to prepare for finals. Assignments are really being the pain in my ass now. Plus doing lab report at the same time, sometimes I get confused what subject's assignment am I doing.

And one more thing. Weird thing actually, breads/buns make me so happy. I just don't know why, its just I feel so peaceful at the moment biting it. Gosh, I sounds so stupid now. It just the way I feel rite. LOL.

Well, I dont want to touch relationship issues. Coz its all like, I dont know there is another half of me out there or what, coz I'm lazy to find. I can't just be with a girl, act cool and don't give in too much all. I will just go deep into it and realize that she's not the one. Painful moment tho. So I wanna just shut up and life my life. Got alot to do actually. My next year suppose to be my final year, but this shit engineering course, I have to extend like one more sem. I really hope one sem. I can't wait to end it. Then, I have to do something about my dream. I don't want to plan now. Let's see what's waiting for me after this. Coz now I plan, then something else happen, then end up in disappointment. So, just do whatever I'm doing now first.

Next sem, moving out. Fucking bye to hostel. Now, I can smoke freely, no need to check on the corridor all. Thanks to my friend, I'm getting the rental as I wanted. I don't care about privacy. Coz it's not like I have a girlfriend, who wanna stay over my place or what. The people in that house were my housemate 1 year ago. I know them. Don't tell me they gonna steal things or what. So, I feel like the place is worth it for people like me.

p.s.: Funny thing in me is I will give up in the things that I should not give up and I will never give up in the things I should. Looks like I should put down a list. =)

It's happening again??

If sleeping makes me to think bout you, I'm never gonna sleep anymore.

p.s.: Time never gonna heal anything. It just hides everything.

It's me again??!!

Well, I should be sleeping right now. But, it just so many things in my mind. So, here I am vomiting everything.

This is what happened. I know I didn't get over my ex fully. Can say mostly. But, when I was in a relationship with this girl, it was kinda healing. I was kinda more to her than my ex. I text her, sometimes call her, just to get the memories outta my head. Coz I wanna be loyal, I wanna be honest. I don't wanna think about my ex when I'm in a relationship with other girl. But then, when I don't get back anything form this girl, my heart started to bring back my old memories. This is where my past suck me into the hole again.

And now, when she started to blame herself, I told her the truth. Which is I didn't get over my ex fully. And now, the blame is on me again. All I wanted was to make you feel better, and this is what I get. I still care for you. We started as friends, we cared for each other. This is what I'm doing now. And she said my promises is bullshit and she allergic to that. The worst part is my ex liked the FB status. She just poked me that the right place. She knew my ex is my weakness. And she did that. I never thought you will do that.

Why am I in pain when it was your fault?? I was there for you, I wanted your attention, I wanted you to show me love, but I was all alone, all the time. This is where my past suck me back to the hole again. Your "I love you" should put me into sleep but the memories did that, your fingers should wipe my tears, but the memories did that. Is this my fault?? Please tell me, some one, please!!

I wish I was born without a heart. Much easier to get over my past and move on. Why does every time I like a girl, it reminds me of you?? It's reminding me that it's was a part of me and I might be that person again. I tired to accept the fact that you never gonna come back, it's just I can't.

p.s.: Everybody fall in love without knowing it's consequences. And I think it's not the way.

Practical love??

Well, nothing much going on. Just finished mid-term break. Actually I wanted to stay at campus, just coz of some one's request, I went back. But, I get to know something. People don't actually change. They can say, they can act, wear a whole new mask in front of you, but as time passes by, everything will fade away.

I came across a blog, random girl (I'm not stalking). Well there was an old post which is kinda interesting:

"It’s Too Late"

Don't we all just fear hearing things like this?

It leaves you with room for nothing positive; all you have left is pain and sorrow. True, both can be overcome with time but when it also injects you with regret, you know you've hit a dead end.

No matter how long you wait, no matter how much you dream or wish you had done things differently, the fact remains that you simply cannot turn back the time. The damage is done and you are stuck with it for the rest of your life.

Because it is just too late.

And all you can do is to learn to accept it or suicide.

I dunno what's she going through, but this is so true. Sometimes you break some one's heart and it's too late to fix it. Well, since suicide can't be my option anymore, I'm learning to accept. Sometimes, I always say this, nothing you do now can't change what you did. Time to be strong and mature. True love is only once in lifetime and I already wasted the one and only chance. So, this is it. If you can't fix it, then fuck it.

p.s.: Practical love is much more better than unconditional love.

J&R Project

The first trance music I get addicted!!

p.s.: Everything is wrong!!

Quotes.

They say loving you gives pains and full of sacrifices. But I'll rather take pains and lots of sacrifices than not to be love by you.

Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don’t deserve me. They’re right, you don’t deserve me, but I deserve you.

It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.

The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved. (Mother Teresa)

Missing you isn't the hardest part, knowing I once had you is what breaks my heart.

It hurts to breathe because I know every breath I take proves I can live without you.

My life is about change. I change every day. I change my mind, and sometimes even my heart. But the one thing that will never change is the way I feel for you.

A million words would not bring you back, I know because I've tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because I've cried.*

I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can't because I know you won't come after me, and I guess that's what hurts the most.

The BEST ; For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been. (John Greenleaf Whittier)

This is my own ; She said next time, park the car over there, pointing at less people walking pass by area. And the next time never came.

p.s.: I could celebrate 2 years anniversary if nothing happened. =(

Vote!!!

http://www.makeityours.asia/my/view_work.php?id=1738

Click on the link and vote for me. Sorry for the stupid registration processes and account activation. Thank you.

Empty inside or empty me??

Again, I'm gonna sleep with my head empty. I don't know why, I been like this for past few days. All I can think of is my ex. Even though she brought so much pain inside me, she is still my safest place I ever hide before. I feel like, "What's next?? What gonna happen?? Nothing that can be worst, coz I'm giving up. I'm giving up everything. I'm not gonna go against the flow anymore. I'm tired.". Everything that was so close with me past few months, now seems so far away. The wall I built around me, seems like invisible now. The people I trusted so much and shared everything, now seems like a stranger, like a normal friend to me. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not something that they did, it's just something wrong with me. I feel like wanna get all the tattoos that I want on my body and die smoking a cigarette. What a perfect death??

p.s.: After all it's a fucking life. =)

It repeats again.

The end of the fairy tale. Again!!! I broke another girl's heart coz of choosing her. And I think that's the reason. May be love can't be start from braking hearts. I don't know. It's just I don't know. It's so painful to wait for a text reply. She told she was so busy till can't even text me once. I can tell yall, a "Good Morning" is enough to make me smile. She was that much for me. I went for the one I love and ignored the one loved me and now both is gone. Gone!!!

I'm sorry. Both of you, I'm sorry. I'm full of shit.

Next semester gonna start soon. Went back hometown like for a week. I hate to be in Penang. Full of memories. Can say full of shits. My semester break was kinda 1 month and I prefer to be here away from the people I love, from the place where I grew up. I'm already so far away from my family. It's kinda dissapointing when my friend from Aussie came back home for holidays and don't even try to contact me. Saw his pictures, went to Langkawi with the people we used to hang out last time. I was like what the fuck?? What did I do?? Am I invisible??

Everything is breaking into pieces again. I need to fix this shit. It's just why I wanna fix it, when it's gonna break again. Lack of motivation, lack of courage, lack of hope, coz I'm sick of this life.

p.s.: I'm sick of myself.